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Boundaries

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” — Brene Brown

It does not feel good when someone we know well, is taking advantage and using us. Today I was faced with the challenge of setting a boundary with my ex-husband. If I would’ve learned earlier to have the “courage” to stand up for myself, I might have saved years of suffering and pain. 

I remember setting boundaries that were not taken seriously, and I would give up when my husband continued his bad behavior. The last seven years of our marriage he didn’t work. He was perfectly healthy and capable but simply put, he was lazy. I’ve asked myself many times why I stayed in the marriage like I did, when there was not an equal partner who did not contribute financially. 

Each year, several of my friends and colleagues would ask me if my husband was employed yet. Many times, I would answer with excuses for him, because I was embarrassed and ashamed myself. But it never seemed to bother the ex. I continued to enable his bad behavior this way until I reached my breaking point. Yes, after twenty-six years of marriage, I finally moved on and divorced. 

That was never in my plans. Now, my four children are grown and raising their own families. Their dad had lived at his brother’s house for seven years. Even though he did house and yard work, I was told he never even paid for utilities, because he still didn’t have a job. Then his brother sold his house, which I don’t blame him. It was probably the only way to get rid of his leaching brother. Instead of taking out Social Security and using the pension money he received from my years of service, my ex-husband started camping out at my daughter’s house. I saw right through his pattern, using people to get by. 

I had the chance to confront him when he came to my daughter’s house, when we were alone to have a discussion. My heart was pounding, and It took courage to bring up this issue with him. For my daughter’s sake, and for all my children, I knew I had to speak up. He listened to the boundary I told him with regards to him to get a place of his own, and not to live off our children. I listened to his excuses and explained again that he needs to make a promise to move out, so our daughter had her privacy back and he didn’t use their house and facilities. He didn’t like it, but I stayed firm. 

The next day, I decided to follow up with him. This was even harder to do, because I knew it might upset my kids and I would become the villain. But, for my kids’ sake, I took deep breaths and stepped into courage. I worked on a message that clearly stated all the facts about my ex-husband’s health and financial abilities. He needed to be on his own. I wanted to be transparent with the whole family, so I sent a message to my ex-husband, and included the children and their spouses. 

Now, everyone is aware of the situation, and their dad can no longer take advantage of them. I knew I risked disappointing my children. My daughters reacted negatively to me and didn’t like that I sent the message to the whole family. I explained that it’s out of love for them, and the only way to deal with their dad, so he could move forward. I’m not sure it will work, but I hope it gives them enough courage to speak to their dad. Now, my job is to step aside and see what happens. This Momma Bear and Grammie, hopes that my courage to speak up and set boundaries, will now help my kids and grandkids.

Affirmation

“I love myself enough to set boundaries.” The only people who get upset about you making boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you not having none.  

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