“The worse mistake a man can make is to betray a woman who actually fought for him and had the courage to stand by him and support him when he was going through the worst in his life.” — Unknown
Betrayal is unfortunately one of the most painful human experiences we will have in life. None of us will escape being betrayed by sometime who is close to us in our life. Betrayal is an unavoidable human experience. A damaging aspect of being betrayed is that our sense of reality is undermined. Trust crumbles and innocence is shattered. Our brain and heart try to find answers. It takes courage to consider how we played a part in the betrayal. Did we neglect, not listen, lack attentiveness or affection? Experiencing betrayal invites us to be kind and gentle towards our pain. We need time to heal and understand ourselves. This is the time to sort things out in our heart and find some clarity.
Three years ago, my husband was diagnosed with a terminal disease. This was a shock to both of us and we went through denial and then grieved in our own way. I became the main caregiver to my husband, Paul, the last three years of his life. I made a vow to love him through sickness and health and I was determined to be the best caregiver as possible. It was hard to have this new role in life, and I basically put my own life on hold. A caregiver can get burned out quite easily, so there is a “respite” care that gives them at least a week off to rest.
The last six months, Paul was reminiscing about his past, like most people do who are facing death. The person who is dying, wants to make amends and have no regrets. This is important, but I found out that while I was away on my respite care for a week, he made amends with his ex-wife, which at the time I thought was a good thing. However, I felt violated and betrayed to find out that Diane was here in my house for three days straight. This was wrong, improper and intrusive. As days got closer to when Paul was going to die, his ex-wife came into my home with the daughters, and they basically pushed me aside in my own home. I wanted to have some alone time with Paul and kindly asked them to leave all together after they were here for three consecutive days.
I wanted to rest and be alone with Paul for a while. Instead, they turned me into the “Adult Protective Services”. I couldn’t believe I had state authorities show up the week before Paul died. Again, this was a huge betrayal and was very traumatic. It’s hard enough to watch your husband decline with a terminal illness when you feel helpless to change his circumstance. Diane came down the week before and then the day he was dying, she was holding hands with Paul, showing off her wedding ring, kissing him on the cheek, and saying “I love you” blatantly in front of me. All this was happening while I was getting questioned by the APS. (Adult Protective Services) again. I was exonerated, but I was embarrassed and angry that they betrayed me after all I did for Paul. I was very shocked, hurt and in pain. What they did to me was totally inappropriate and wrong. Sometimes the betrayal is so deep, you wonder if you can ever mentally recover.
Affirmation
“Have the fiery courage to face the betrayal and the pain it has caused. Take away the lessons learned, and the courage to change how we act and respond.”